Tell Your Child You Like the Way They Smiled Today

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

That's it.

Seven little words.

No parenting degree required. No behavior chart. No laminated schedule. No sticker economy. No need to download an app that sends you reminders about the app you downloaded to help you remember things.

Just notice your kid.

And tell them.

Because sometimes, as parents, we spend so much time trying to fix, remind, redirect, correct, organize, manage, schedule, negotiate, and occasionally negotiate again that we forget to simply enjoy our children.

And yes, I mean enjoy them.

Even when their shoes are somehow in the refrigerator.

Even when their backpack appears to contain everything they've ever owned except the one worksheet they actually need.

Even when you've asked seventeen times for the dirty laundry to go into the hamper and the floor continues to win that battle.

Parenting is exhausting.

It is also one of the most important relationships a person will ever experience.

And from a mental health perspective, one of the most meaningful things we can give our children is the experience of knowing:

"My parent sees me as more than the things I need to improve."

Let's be honest.

Parenting can sometimes feel like being the CEO, personal assistant, chauffeur, short-order cook, sports coordinator, homework supervisor, conflict mediator, lost-item investigator, and unpaid IT department for a company where nobody reads the emails.

And the employees are frequently sticky.

Your day may sound something like:

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Did you do your homework?"

"Where are your shoes?"

"Did you feed the dog?"

"Why is your lunch still in your backpack?"

"Did you bring your math book?"

"Please stop hitting your brother."

"Please stop touching your brother."

"Please stop looking at your brother like you're considering his demise."

There is a LOT of managing happening in a family.

And children absolutely need boundaries, expectations, consequences, and guidance.

But they also need to experience something incredibly important:

Being noticed when they aren't doing anything wrong.

That is where positive parenting comes in.

Research and evidence-based parenting resources emphasize the importance of specific positive feedback. The CDC recommends that parents praise teens by identifying the specific behavior they are noticing rather than relying only on a general "good job."

So instead of:

"Good job."

Try:

"I noticed how patient you were with your sister."

Instead of:

"I'm proud of you."

Try:

"I noticed that you kept working on that even though it was frustrating."

And sometimes:

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

Because not everything has to be about achievement.

Your child doesn't have to get an A.

They don't have to score the winning basket.

They don't have to clean their room.

They don't have to remember every single thing you told them approximately four minutes ago.

They don't have to make the honor roll.

They don't even have to behave perfectly.

Sometimes we can simply notice who they are.

Maybe your child laughed so hard at dinner that milk almost came out of their nose.

Maybe your teenager came into the kitchen and actually talked to you without grunting.

Parents of teenagers, please understand that this is a major developmental milestone.

Maybe your child was singing in the car.

Maybe they were drawing.

Maybe they were playing with the dog.

Maybe they smiled when they saw you.

Notice it.

Positive childhood experiences are associated with children's mental health and well-being. Research has found that greater exposure to positive childhood experiences is associated with lower rates of anxiety, depression, and behavioral or conduct problems.

That doesn't mean telling your child you like their smile will magically prevent anxiety.

If only parenting worked that way.

"Eat your vegetables, get eight hours of sleep, and compliment your child."

Congratulations! You've cured adolescence.

Unfortunately, mental health doesn't work quite that neatly.

But small, consistent experiences of connection matter.

Think about how often children hear adults talking about what needs to be fixed.

"Pay attention."

"Slow down."

"Try harder."

"Don't forget."

"Use your words."

"Get organized."

"Stop interrupting."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

For children with ADHD, anxiety, autism, learning differences, executive functioning difficulties, or emotional regulation challenges, they may receive even more feedback about what isn't working.

And some of that feedback is absolutely necessary.

Children need adults to teach them.

But if the majority of what they hear is correction, eventually they can start to believe that they themselves are the problem.

That's where we want to be careful.

Your child is not their ADHD.

They are not their anxiety.

They are not their missing homework.

They are not their messy bedroom.

They are not the argument they had with their sibling at 7:14 this morning.

They are a whole person.

And they need to know you see the whole person.

They need to hear:

"I see you."

"I noticed that."

"I love watching you do that."

"You made me laugh today."

"I loved hearing you laugh."

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

Those statements communicate something incredibly important:

You are more than the things you struggle with.

There is a difference between general praise and specific praise.

"Good job" is nice.

But it doesn't tell your child what you actually noticed.

Specific praise gives children information.

Instead of:

"You're so smart!"

Try:

"I noticed how you kept trying different ways to solve that problem."

Instead of:

"You're a great basketball player!"

Try:

"I loved watching you encourage your teammate after they missed that shot."

Instead of:

"You're such a good kid."

Try:

"I noticed that you went back and apologized when you realized you hurt your sister's feelings."

Now we're reinforcing effort, kindness, persistence, problem-solving, communication, and emotional skills.

Those are skills worth building.

And honestly, I'd take a child who knows how to apologize and recover from a mistake over one who gets straight A's but believes the world ends when they get a B-minus.

If you have a teenager, you may currently be thinking:

"Michelle, if I tell my teenager I like the way they smiled, they are going to look at me like I have completely lost my mind."

Possibly.

Teenagers have a remarkable ability to communicate "I don't care" while simultaneously caring deeply about what everyone thinks.

Try it anyway.

Keep it casual.

"You had a really great smile today. It was nice seeing you happy."

And then walk away.

Do not immediately follow it with:

"Also, your room looks like a raccoon has taken up residence."

Let the compliment exist by itself.

This is particularly important because teenagers need positive attention too. Their brains are undergoing approximately 900 simultaneous renovations, and sometimes their emotional reactions are not exactly what we'd call "finished construction."

They still need connection.

They still need parents who notice them.

And sometimes they need a parent who can say something kind without attaching a lecture to it.

There is an important distinction here.

We don't want children constantly asking:

"Was that good?"

"Did I do it right?"

"Are you proud of me?"

"Do you like me?"

The goal isn't to create a tiny human who requires a standing ovation every time they put on their socks.

The goal is connection.

Praise should be genuine.

It should be specific.

And it shouldn't be used as a manipulation strategy.

Sometimes you're not even praising something they did.

You're simply noticing something you enjoyed.

"I really liked hearing you laugh today."

That's different.

You're communicating:

I enjoy you.

Not:

I approve of your behavior, therefore you have earned temporary membership in this family.

Here's your homework.

Don't worry. It's easy.

And unlike most homework, there is no deadline, rubric, or possibility of getting a C because you forgot to put your name on the paper.

For one week, intentionally notice three positive things about your child every day.

They can be tiny.

Notice:

Something they did.

"I noticed you helped your brother."

Something they tried.

"I noticed you kept working even when that homework was frustrating."

Something about who they are.

"I love how creative you are."

Or simply:

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

You don't need a spreadsheet.

You don't need a parenting app.

You don't need a family meeting with a PowerPoint presentation.

Just notice.

There is something else that happens when you intentionally look for the good.

You start seeing more of it.

This does not mean ignoring problems.

Your child still needs consequences.

They still need boundaries.

They still need to learn responsibility.

They still need to hear "No."

And occasionally, they need to hear the parental classic:

"Because I said so."

We are therapists, not magicians.

Sometimes "because I said so" is all that's left after 45 minutes of negotiation.

But when we train ourselves to notice positive moments, we stop viewing our children exclusively through the lens of what needs fixing.

And this is important for parents, too.

Because parenting anxiety can sneak up on us.

We worry:

Are they okay? Are they keeping up? Are they making friends? Are they going to be successful? Did I handle that correctly? Am I screwing this whole parenting thing up?

Welcome to parenting.

There is no certificate at the end saying:

Congratulations! You successfully raised a human.

We are all figuring it out.

But we can make intentional choices about the emotional environment we create.

Your child is not their missing assignment.

They are not their ADHD.

They are not their anxiety.

They are not their messy room.

They are not their tantrum.

They are not the bad grade.

They are not the argument you had this morning.

They are also the kid who tells terrible jokes.

The kid who dances while making toast.

The kid who hugs the dog.

The kid who tries again.

The kid who makes you laugh.

The kid who surprises you.

The kid who smiles.

And sometimes, the most meaningful thing you can say is:

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

Because underneath those seven words is a much bigger message:

I see you.

I notice you.

I enjoy you.

You don't have to accomplish something for me to love being your parent.

Children live in a world where they are constantly being evaluated — grades, sports, tests, friends, behavior, social media, activities, college. And somehow, we're supposed to keep track of all of it while remembering whose day it is to bring snacks to basketball.

So give your child a place where they don't have to perform.

Give them a place where they can simply be.

Today, if you catch your child smiling, laughing, helping, trying, creating, dancing, singing, or just being wonderfully, ridiculously themselves...

Tell them.

You might say:

"I really liked the way you smiled today."

And then, for bonus parenting points, don't follow it with a request.

Don't say:

"Also, can you take out the trash?"

Just let the compliment be the compliment.

Let the moment be the moment.

Because those tiny moments of connection are not insignificant.

They are part of the relationship you're building with your child.

And one day, long after the soccer cleats have disappeared, the backpacks have stopped reproducing, and nobody is asking you where their water bottle is...

Those moments may be some of the things they remember.

So go notice the smile.

You never know what kind of day that seven-word sentence might help create.

Michelle Renfrow, MA, LPC-S is a Registered Play Therapist and Master ART Practitioner licensed in Texas and Colorado. She specializes in child and adolescent mental health, LPC supervision, and creative therapeutic approaches. If your child is struggling emotionally, reach out here to explore counseling options.