Grief and Loss: Help Children Deal with Death

When your teen loses a friend, you've been hit with a double whammy. You yourself are trying to process this death, and then you also have the added bonus of processing your child's grief. It's a double hit to your psyche.

Nothing prepares you for this devastation. Even as a therapist, I deal with this more often than others — and it still takes my breath away. I lose myself and forget my training for a minute. It throws you off kilter.

Teenagers think they are invincible. They drive like Mario Andretti, they party like Paris Hilton, they live their lives like nothing can touch them. Unfortunately, this is all actually developmentally appropriate. Their sense of self is at its highest and they honestly cannot visualize their lives ending.

Forget that teens are already in emotional upheaval just because they are teens. They have raging hormones that cause emotional disturbances, their bodies are changing in ways they cannot understand or control — it is really a tough time.

Children dealing with grief show their anxiety in different ways at different ages. Some of your elementary school and preteen children will want to know if everything else is going to stay the same — if the entire world as they know it is going to change.

This means that if they have swim practice on Tuesday, you take them to swim practice. If they work a job, you encourage them to go work their shifts. Obviously you're not going to force them if they're having an emotional breakdown in that moment. But the goal is to help them keep a sense of normality when everything feels like it's falling apart.

I learned firsthand that while I am definitely a comfort for my son when he's grieving, his two best friends and his girlfriend in college were even more comforting. I did not take this personally. The comfort of someone you're in a romantic relationship with, or a peer who shares the same experience, can trump mommy or daddy most times. That's developmentally appropriate and healthy.

It's very easy to project onto our children what we think they need. I remember right after Hurricane Harvey, my son was asked to speak about his experience. I 100% believed he would say the most traumatizing part was when I wrote my name and phone number on his body in Sharpie before we had to swim out into the flood waters. (Clearly this was MY hardest moment.)

To my surprise, he never mentioned it. What he leaned toward most was how touched he was by the compassion of friends and strangers. His proudest moment was helping my next-door neighbor remove her carpet and tear out flooded walls. It blew me away.

So while it's safe to make assumptions, it's important to verbalize them and check in with your kids. They may not always have the answers, but having these conversations matters.

I can't stand when people say things like "they're in a better place" or "you should be over this by now." No one needs to hear that.

What they need to hear:

• "I'm here for you."
• "How are you doing today?"
• "Would you like something to eat?"
• "Would you like to talk about anything?"

These are open-ended and show care about their emotional and physical well-being. Sometimes I just send my kid funny memes to let him know I'm thinking about him. Sometimes they'll start talking without prompting — and you must do your best to listen. I say things like "so what I'm hearing you say is…" or "it sounds like you have a lot of really good memories of your friend. Thank you for sharing them with me."

Freshman year of college, my son lost a close friend. Within days, an artist had designed a t-shirt with a red smiley face — what that student had painted on his senior square at the baseball field. The shirt instantly became popular with everyone who knew and loved him. It provided comfort and community to a group of people who were grieving deeply.

Some families start a scholarship fund or donation campaign in that person's name. GoFundMe accounts are a very easy way to disseminate through social media platforms requesting support for the family. Doing something gives grieving teens a sense of purpose and control when everything feels out of control.

If there is a long-term significant illness in your family, be honest with your children. I know your gut instinct is to protect them from sadness and death. However, taking the choice out of their hands about how they grieve, when they grieve, and how they want to say goodbye may cause resentment in the future.

It's okay to be honest. It's okay to tell them that things are not good. Never make a promise to them that you know you can't keep.

For many children, this is their first experience with death. For significant relationships, children may come to define their lives in terms of "before" the death and "after" the death.

End of life rituals: Many children have never attended a funeral. Prepare them for what to expect. Include them in the planning. Talk about what elements they'd like to be part of and what they can opt out of. Encourage participation but don't force.

Overwhelming emotions: For adolescents with little experience with trauma, this will be the first time they experience the overwhelming emotions related to grief. Normalize the range of emotions. Prepare them for shifts in emotion and give them permission to laugh and feel happy when they feel like it.

Questions about life's meaning: This may be the first time their worldview or sense of immortality has been challenged. Allow open dialogue. Don't minimize their questions. Help them find their own answers.

Keep an eye out for these warning signs:

• Expressing suicidal ideation ("I want to die too")
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Frequent anger outbursts out of the norm for them
• Refusal to participate in normal day-to-day activities
• Sleeplessness or sleeping too much
• Overeating or not eating enough
• No longer engaging with peers
• Falling grades and attendance

If these symptoms last longer than 2 weeks, seek professional help. You can contact your insurance carrier for covered therapists, ask your child's school counselor for referrals, or call 211 — the national United Way hotline for resources.

The new 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 — call or text. Make sure everyone in your family and friend circle knows this number.

I am always here for you. I would rather answer a call from you in crisis than speak at your funeral. Reach out if you need support — for yourself or your child.