Taking Holiday Stress in Stride Starts With Understanding

If the holidays are all about family, togetherness, food, and fun — at least that's what mine are about — then why the hell do I feel so much holiday stress? Shopping for the perfect gifts, budgeting for those gifts, wrapping and hiding those gifts (my brother and I were masters at finding the wrapped presents my mom thought she had hidden well!). Lol. #sorrynotsorrymom

Maybe we're missing loved ones who have passed or are no longer in our lives. Perhaps that one family member who has to talk all the time about politics until you find yourself silently stabbing yourself under the table with a fork. Many people suffer from all these different types of stress during the holidays. So let's chat about them — and how to work to prevent the holiday blues from tarnishing your holiday mood.

In the Jewish faith, the New Year is usually in early September. So my stress starts a bit earlier than some. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are the two biggest holidays of the year for us. They involve a lot of cooking and eating, entertaining, and of course going to a LOT of services at the local synagogue (or since COVID — doing a lot of Zoom services).

Since school starts in mid-August, the Jewish holidays seem to seriously sneak up on a girl. I mean, didn't we just have back-to-school night last week?! So my holiday stress in September starts there and doesn't really die down until January 1st. Many of us are in chaos mode prepping for meals, with mounds of salads and freezers stuffed with desserts. Oh, the desserts! Mmmmm. And then if you add in observing Shabbat, you lose a few days of cooking there too.

November and December are the key months for worrying about getting the perfect gift without breaking your piggy bank open.

As a crafter, I tend to lean towards making things for my loved ones. Sometimes everyone gets homemade knit or crocheted scarves, or a piece of glass jewelry I've made. If you have a knack for creativity, I suggest starting your naughty and nice list in September so you have enough time to make everyone your beautiful creations. It may be time-consuming, but the cost is lower — and I am happy while making the items because it gives me joy knowing they are going to be gifts for my loved ones.

Black Friday and Cyber Monday — are they all they're cracked up to be? If you have a list and know what you're looking for, they can be helpful. However, it's a total sensory overload situation and you can get caught going down the rabbit hole if you're not careful. Make sure your list is ready and you know approximate brands and prices before you start. I actually have a "watch list" in my Amazon account so I can quickly see what's on sale and when.

My dad always told me: don't spend what you don't have. Be careful putting things on credit that you have to start paying for later. Be careful of "introductory credit card offers." If you cannot pay the amount by the time the bill comes around, you may get hit with high interest rates — and those add up fast.

Thinking about driving five hours in a car with everyone else in North America to sit with your cousin's five-year-old who likes to spit peanuts at you doesn't sound like the American dream? Fighting with your sister's boyfriend Earl who has definite opinions about the political climate isn't appealing? Making sure you spend four Christmases with all four sets of divorced parents in one day is grating on your last nerve?

All of these situations can cause physical and emotional stress. They can impact your sleep. My mom stresses that she won't wake up on time to get to the airport with all the holiday traffic and extra travelers — she literally won't sleep the night before our trips. Exhaustion takes its toll on every part of your body, both physical and emotional.

As I've gotten older I can see that my body takes out its stress via blood pressure and my gastric system. Stomach cramps and other digestive issues will plague me. My heart may flutter or feel like it's racing. It can be uncomfortable and last for long periods of time.

I have heard my friends joke about "upping their Xanax" to get through the fall and winter seasons. What's sad is that it's needed and normal for so many people around the world.

The American Psychological Association says:

There's a "cognitive dissonance between you feeling heartbroken and being around people… plus the expectation to be happy and celebratory and grateful," she said. "I think that makes it hard for grief survivors in general."

Being around friends and family while knowing someone is missing from the gathering creates an inevitable reality check — but one that's not always easy.

To make it through the celebratory season in trying circumstances, psychologists suggest making a mental plan that includes minimizing anxiety and celebrating the lost. Consider the following:

• Are there some traditions you'd rather not do? Some may just be too painful. It may make sense to try something new.
• Do you want to celebrate in the same place? It might be better to travel this season instead of staying home.
• Who are the people you want to be around? Enjoy their company when they invite you for a visit.
• Can you handle an all-day celebration? Be flexible with yourself and let the host know you may only stay for a short while.

Those grieving should also recognize that how one anticipates an event — especially if stressed about it — is almost always worse than how it actually turns out. The holiday is just like any other day in that it only lasts 24 hours.

Some may remember their loved one by donating to a cause that person cared about, lighting a candle, making a loved one's favorite dish, or mentioning their name in prayer. Others have devised more distinctive individual methods:

• Skydiving, hot-air ballooning, mountain climbing, or another activity the deceased enjoyed or always wanted to do
• Gathering notes and stories about the deceased and putting them in a stocking or box to read aloud at the end of the night
• Creating a table centerpiece with a photo or items the deceased found meaningful
• Visiting the grave and pouring out a toast
• Giving gifts in honor of the deceased — perhaps something that belonged to them
• Making a pillow or craft from something that belonged to the loved one
• Continuing a tradition, especially one that children may have shared with the loved one

Clearly the holidays are a time of stress — in a good way and in a negative way. How you prepare for it, somewhat like a fire drill, will make a difference in how you manage it when you're stuck in the middle of it. It helps to have someone on your side who can be your wingman when things get tough and you need to tap out.

Check out my blog on gratitude during the holidays for more tools to help you stay grounded this season.

Reach out to connect with Michelle — you don't have to navigate the holidays alone.