Getting a teenager to do anything that wasn’t their idea is virtually impossible. Sp counseling adolescents and getting them to talk about their feelings or admit that they need to talk about their feelings can feel completely impossible. I remember being a teenager.
I remember struggling so significantly that my parents did have to finally get me therapeutic help. And I remember that I just didn’t even know how to verbalize how badly I needed someone to stop to help me take a breath and help me figure out how to fix what was going wrong in my life.
I was scared to admit failure. I didn’t know who to talk to about my failure and I was pretending just enough to get by in front of my parents and everyone else.
Outside The Box Techniques Encourage Teenagers to Engage in Counseling
I laugh at myself now and how easily I can engage with a therapist in a no nonsense kind of way. The last therapist that I had I walked in and sat down and after saying hello and a few little niceties I said “that alright let’s get down to business”. As an adult my time is very important to me.
And when I set aside 1 hour for therapy I don’t want to talk about the weather outside I want to get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s going on in my life. I want to take a part where the problems are and put them back together with a quick resolution. Maybe that’s me being too direct. But it’s also me knowing exactly what it is I need and the fact that I asked for help and I’m in the therapist office means I must be ready to get the work done.
However if I was an angsty teenager who goes from “0 to emo” in 60 seconds. Being able to acknowledge and identify exactly what it is that I need to talk about and fixing my life can be complicated and terrifying. Engaging teenagers is difficult and in this blog we’re going to attempt to put it in some form of steps that one can take to help motivate a teenager in your life to talk about their issues when in therapy.
Firstly you need to find a therapist that probably takes your health insurance but also is a good fit for your teenager. It’s great to get a list from your insurance company. But I do recommend that you cross-reference it with people that you know or possibly even post something on social media asking for some recommendations that might be on your list. That personal connection is going to be the number one most important thing for your teenager to be willing to continue in the therapeutic process.
When counseling adolescents I always tell my clients that we are going to commit to 3 sessions together. And in those 3 sessions we get to know each other, we get to explore the relationship and see how we feel and then decide if we’re going to continue from there. Usually within the second or third session you will have a better vibe as to whether or not the relationship is going to work. Just like a medication or a flavor of a drink or a new style of jeans. It does take us some time to get used to things and especially when we’re putting ourselves in such a vulnerable position we want this therapeutic experience to be successful. And one of the key pieces of that puzzle is the therapeutic relationship.
Another key player is positive engagement in the therapeutic session. Talk therapy is great if you’re someone who’s good at expressing themselves verbally. Talk therapy means you have to be comfortable with awkward silences and talking about things that might be embarrassing or scary for someone.
I have learned over the years that allowing my client to draw or play with toys or do something with their hands or that occupies part of their brain is actually extremely helpful in the therapeutic process. I have an entire basket under my desk full of squishy toys and pop rockets and other materials such as pen and paper and adult coloring books.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that allowing a teen to have something to look at, to touch, to feel, to manipulate while talking about difficult things keeps them from having to make eye contact and almost put some one step away from what they’re talking about or dealing with.
When Counseling Adolescents Honesty is By Far The Best Policy
When you have a teen who is resistant to therapy it’s important to be open and honest with them. Using I statements about your worries and concerns, such as “I am worried about some of the struggles you are experiencing and I really want to help you” “While I can see you are struggling and I don’t know how to help, but I think together we can find a professional who can help us”
Even as adults sometimes we are very hesitant to engage in therapy. As a teen whose body is physically changing (which brings its own self consciousness), has pressures from society and social media. Sometimes those pressures are real, dark and sometimes increasingly hostile.
Add onto that school pressures, extra curricular pressures, family and friend pressures to be or do something that they are not.
As teens grow through the different stages they often already feel “out of sorts”. Now let’s add the cherry on top of the stress sundae and have the teens parents sit down and point out that they are not coping well with all of those pressures.
Saying, “maybe it’s time you get help” is a hard thing to start off with. There can be shame in admitting one is not coping well.
Something I have noticed many times is that there is often a sense of release in finally talking about the elephant in the room and now that the words have been spoken, it’s like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
As you know teens can be ticking time bombs and you have no idea what kind of response you might get from this conversation. I know for myself, when I was a teen and needed some psychological intervention, I was anxious, relieved, and hopeful. But while in the therapy process I met other teens who were defiant, resistant, angry, defensive, in denial and some even isolated themselves even more.
Steps to take:
Stay calm and engage in this conversation when all parties are in a decent mood. Not using this conversation as a threat or challenge.
Identifying the problem and saying it outloud. Make sure you are specific in a non judgemental way. “I am worried about how you manage your time when you come home from school” or “I have noticed a very significant change in your appetite and physical appearance”
Make sure they know that therapy is normal and “lots of teens are benefiting from its uses”. I tell my clients that when you have a pain in your leg you go see a doctor or when you have daily migraines you go see a doctor. So the idea of therapy is similar but with issues within your heart or mind. Normalizing the need for therapy is healthy and can be releasing for a nervous teen.
Be patient. The first conversation might not work out the way you wanted. Be open to a time out or putting a pin in the conversation for a few days. Empower your teen who is feeling out of control. Let them have a say in finding the therapist, when they want to have their sessions, perhaps talking to another trusted adult who can guide them through this process.
Sometimes talking to ANYONE else besides our parents is easier than going for a root canal. One of my clients uses her therapy session as an opportunity to have dinner and ice cream with
her dad after her weekly sessions. It’s not bribery per se, but it gives her something to look forward to after what can be a challenging hour with their therapist. Get your own help. All members of a family are most likely struggling but there may be one member who is the identified client. If others are a factor, makes sure you are leading by example and getting help for yourself as well.
These days there are so many types of therapy a teen can engage in. In another blog we will discuss the different types of therapy available and what works with each type of person or desired outcome.