Part of finding the right fit among the numerous licensed counselors is once you get started you develop a good working relationship with the person you’ve chosen. That does not mean that you turn into best friends who text each other and spend time hanging out outside of the office.
A good working relationship is that dynamic between a patient and their counselor and how they work together. To solve the mental health and emotional problems that brought the client to the therapist’s office to begin with.
When I first started out as a licensed therapist, I did a lot of “home based” family therapy in the early years. I spent a lot of time talking to families about treatment plans and goal planning and how many sessions we thought we would commit to together to create solutions for their family.
With the younger children I would tell them that we were going to create a treatment goal of things that we wanted to work on. It would let us know that once they were completed their family is successful and they don’t need me anymore. I jokingly would tell the kids that we are planning for the day that they get to “fire me” because they no longer need me to help their family be successful.
It was funny and cute and they laughed about it but the reality is we want our families to be self-sufficient and not rely on us for the rest of their lives
The important thing for this conversation is to determine if you are working with a good therapist and you’re just not ready to let go or are you working with a bad therapist that you never should have gotten started with. In this blog we’re going to dissect the importance of a positive licensed counselor versus a negative one.
I can tell you that in grad school I came across a lot of different personality types and a lot of strange people who wanted to be licensed therapists. Not all students have what it takes to become a therapist and not all therapists have what it takes to have passed the tests, but yet, they did…
When Choosing Between Counselors . . . let’s get specific
On choosingtherapy.com they have a great list of what you should be looking for in a great licensed counselor. In this day and age when Zoom therapy has been more utilized than any other time in our lives. Finding access to a wide variety of great licensed counselors is easier than ever.
1st. You want someone who is licensed. Most licensed counselors have a masters degree and then additional work towards their credentials that are typically licensed by each state they practice in. Knowing that they have been “vetted” by the state and the overseeing supervisors that supported you during your certification.
2nd. Specialities. My background in art and play therapy and crisis intervention. I have taken extensive trainings in those areas and in some circumstances you can even get additional credentials in these special areas. Most licensed counselors see a variety of clients for a lot of different needs. Some focus on one skill set or reason for care like depression, anxiety, or addiction. Some licensed counselors also see a certain age group of clients. When choosing a therapist, if you have an idea about what your needs are it may be easier to dine someone who specializes in the area you need the assistance.
3rd. Cost and insurance. A LOT of licensed counselors are not affiliated with an insurance company. That means you pay out of pocket and submit your receipts and HOPE that it gets covered, even partially covered. It takes a bit more time on the client’s side AND you have to stay on top of your insurance company. You can also request a sliding scale to help when you are paying cash.
4th. Online and in person and scheduling sessions. Now that COVID has moved us even further into a digital format, you can do zoom sessions with your licensed counselors too!
I prefer to meet weekly to start with and then taper off as my client and I agree upon. I am not a long term therapist by trade, I like to work for 6-8 weeks with a client, working on strategies and techniques that can be used in the real world. Therapy is not a one size fits all model and while we cannot predict the number of sessions and it does depend on the severity of the needs, the number of sessions can vary greatly.
The Choosingtherapy.com website does a great job outlining your first session and a few others as follows:
“What to Consider During Your First Therapy Appointment”
Your first appointment is an opportunity to meet a therapist in person and determine if they are someone you’d feel comfortable working with. Rapport between you and your therapist begins to develop immediately, although it’s natural to feel a bit hesitant during the first few sessions. Pay attention to whether your therapist welcomes you warmly and puts you at ease.
Are they someone you could come to trust with your deepest thoughts and feelings?
Qualities and Specific Attributes to Consider and Look For in Your Therapist
Watch for these qualities in a therapist during your first appointment:
- They are easy to talk to
- They let you know both verbally and non-verbally (with gestures, expressions, posture, and tone of voice) that they aren’t judging you negatively but are open to your experiences
- They make a point of discussing confidentiality so you know what will be kept private and anything that might be shared—and why it would be shared
- They are kind but don’t seem to want to be your casual friend
- They act as if the two of you are a team (the therapist indicates that they have insights to help you but doesn’t act condescending or like a know-it-all)
Both the positive working relationship and forward progress are part of a process that occurs over time; therefore, you might not leave your first appointment feeling “cured.” However, you should have a feeling of realistic hope by the end of your first appointment. It’s important to choose a therapist who conveys measured optimism and hope.7 A helpful therapist is one that neither acts as if they feel sorry nor makes sweeping promises that you’ll never experience problems again in your entire life.
If you have a positive first session, make a few more appointments. It can take a few sessions to fully determine if you’re making progress with a therapist. Then, after three or four weeks, it’s okay to re-evaluate to determine if you wish to continue.
What to Consider After 3 or 4 Sessions
Therapy isn’t a quick-fix or a miracle cure, but it is a relationship and set of actions that leads to positive change and empowerment. How have your first few sessions been? Are you starting to feel or think differently? Have you learned new behaviors, even small changes, to implement in your life? Do you feel you have a healthy working relationship with your therapist? Your answers to these questions can inform your decision to continue with this therapist or seek someone else to work with if they’re not a good fit.
It may be time to search for someone new if your therapist:
- Talks about themselves a lot, beyond occasional examples from their own life
- Is too friendly, treating you more like a buddy than a client
- Gives advice or tells you what you should or shouldn’t do
- Doesn’t give you their undivided attention during your sessions
- Uses a lot of technical jargon or grows impatient if you ask for clarification
- Doesn’t provide feedback
On the other hand, if you feel that you can trust this therapist and that you are deeply heard, you are likely in the right place. It can be difficult to express complex thoughts and feelings, and the right therapist for you will read between the lines to interpret your communication and then reflect it back to you to help you understand yourself more deeply.
Also, after a few sessions, if you feel that your therapist is helping you move forward to eventually end therapy, you’ve likely made a good choice. A good therapist seeks to make themselves ultimately useless because the goal is to increase your resilience and self-worth.1 As much as you may like this therapist, you don’t want to feel that you’ll need him or her forever. Choosing a therapist is about selecting someone who will set you free, confidently and competently.”
Let’s talk About Counselors Who Are Not A Good Fit . . .
What happens when your gut tells you this is “not a good fit”
A bad therapeutic relationship consists of many factors. An unethical therapist violates your trust or doesn’t keep a healthy boundary between your working relationship and your personal life. They may overshare about their own lives or ask to see you socially outside of their office for a non therapeutic purpose.
A licensed counselor who continues to show up late or cancels sessions repeatedly is unreliable. You came for therapy to work on something meaningful to you and being treated like your needs are not important or respected is unacceptable. Some therapists have a speciality that can oftentimes be associated with a personal belief such as religion or sexual preferences. If they are incapable of separating those personal beliefs from the therapeutic relationship then their judgment will not be conducive to your success. Additionally a licensed counselor who has personal beliefs related to race or sexual orientation their bigotry will also cause a barrier to your healing process.
Of course there are also circumstantial traits that can impact one therapeutic relationship but not another. Some therapists just “get you” while others don’t. It’s not a negative against them or you; it just happens.
I remember early on in my work going into someone’s home for a therapy session and the teenage daughter told me that she didn’t think I could help her. I was a middle class white girl who went to college and she was an african american teen girl who had family issues of drugs, alcohol and gang affiliation. She was right that I may not know where she’s coming from but it didn’t remove me from taking the time to learn from each other and still work out the issues at hand.
Some people are open to those differences and some are not. And that’s ok too. Sometimes we click and have a vibe that works. Some licensed counselors can be way too pushy, (I like to discuss how much support/pushing a client is looking for and then we work from there).
Too pushy or not pushy enough can also jeopardize the working relationship. A licensed counselor who is too supportive, won’t give feedback/advice or seems to not care about your success can also be red flags toward a dead end relationship
Some licensed counselors you start working with might help you identify a certain diagnosis or issue that requires a more specific and targeted type or treatment. It is important for a therapist to know their boundaries and refer you to someone with the speciality training needed to do the best work with you.
If you feel pressured to continue services, feel the counselor is attracted to you or some other strange vibe or you just overall don’t like them, it’s time to move on.
Very few people enjoy terminating a relationship. For me, in a therapeutic environment, because I work hard to keep a healthy boundary between myself and my clients, terminating a relationship can be a bit less painful. As a client, you have the right to terminate for whatever reason you desire. You can speak over the phone, in a session, send an email or letter. You get to decide. As a licensed counselor my job is to help YOU. Not let my feelings get hurt because there wasn’t a “goodness of fit”. So, if you’re shopping for a therapist try a few different ones you like and then go from there. Trust me, your investment in therapy and your need for a healthy working relationship will make all the difference in your success.